recognizing the moments

a moment for drunks and others who try

2011-10-21T19:56:00.001-05:00

It was a lifetime ago, but I've used some things and I've abused some things. I am thankful that the grace of God carried me through and I'm not that man any longer. I also thank God that those things never sank their fangs into me so deep that I couldn't get away from them no matter how hard I tried. I'm currently preaching a sermon series based on the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, because even though we're not all addicts, we all make mistakes, we all hurt others, and we have all been hurt by others. The 12 steps are about healing and forgiveness and God.

Like I said, I've never really been there, but I have compassion for those who struggle and fight to live. This poem was sent to me by someone who has been there; someone who tried and lived. It made me cry. This moment is dedicated to those who tried and lived, and those who tried and died.

Drunks
by Jack M.

We died of pneumonia in furnished rooms

where they found us three days later

when somebody complained about the smell

We died against bridge abutments

and nobody knew if it was suicide

and we probably didn't know either

except in the sense that it was always suicide

we died in hospitals

our stomachs huge, distended

and there was nothing they could do

we died in cells never knowing

whether we were guilty or not.

We went to priests

they gave us pledges

they told us to pray

they told us to go and sin no more, but go

we tried and we died

we died of overdoses

we died in bed (but usually not the Big Bed)

we died in straitjackets

in the DT's seeing God knows what

creeping skittering slithering

shuffling things

And you know what the worst thing was?

The worst thing was that

nobody ever believed how hard we tried

We went to doctors and they gave us stuff to take

that would make us sick when we drank

on the principle of so crazy, it just might work, I guess

or maybe they just shook their heads

and sent us to places like Dropkick Murphy's

and when we got out we were hooked on paraldehyde

or maybe we lied to the doctors

and they told us not to drink so much just drink like me

and we tried

and we died

we drowned in our own vomit

or choked on it

our broken jaws wired shut

we died playing Russian roulette

and people thought we'd lost

but we knew better

we died under the hoofs of horses

under the wheels of vehicles

under the knives and boot heels of our brother drunks

we died in shame

And you know what was even worse?

was that we couldn't believe it ourselves

that we had tried

we figured we just thought we tried

and we died believing that we hadn't tried

believing that we didn't know what it meant to try

When we were desperate enough

or hopeful or deluded or embattled enough to go for help

we went to people with letters after their names

and prayed that they might have read the right books

that had the right words in them

never suspecting the terrifying truth

that the right words, as simple as they were

had not been written yet

We died falling off girders on high buildings

because of course ironworkers drink

of course they do

we died with a shotgun in our mouth

or jumping off a bridge

and everybody knew it was suicide

we died under the Southeast Expressway

with our hands tied behind us

and a bullet in the back of our head

because this time the people that we disappointed

were the wrong people

we died in convulsions, or of "insult to the brain"

we died incontinent, and in disgrace, abandoned

if we were women, we died degraded,

because women have so much more to live up to

we tried and we died and nobody cried

And the very worst thing

was that for every one of us that died

there were another hundred of us, or another thousand

who wished that we could die

who went to sleep praying we would not have to wake up

because what we were enduring was intolerable

and we knew in our hearts

it wasn't ever gonna change

One day in a hospital room in New York City

one of us had what the books call

a transforming spiritual experience

and he said to himself

I've got it

(no, you haven't you've only got part of it)

and I have to share it

(now you've ALMOST got it)

and he kept trying to give it away

but we couldn't hear it

we tried and we died

we died of one last cigarette

the comfort of its glowing in the dark

we passed out and the bed caught fire

they said we suffocated before our body burned

they said we never felt a thing

that was the best way maybe that we died

except sometimes we took our family with us

And the man in New York was so sure he had it

he tried to love us into sobriety

but that didn't work either,

love confuses drunks

and he tried and we still died

one after another we got his hopes up

and we broke his heart

because that's what we do

And the worst thing was that every time

we thought we knew what the worst thing was

something happened that was worse

Until a day came in a hotel lobby

and it wasn't in Rome, or Jerusalem, or Mecca

or even Dublin, or South Boston

it was in Akron, Ohio, for Christ's sake

a day came when the man said I have to find a drunk because I

need him

as much as he needs me (NOW you've got it)

and the transmission line

after all those years

was open

the transmission line was open

And now we don't go to priests

and we don't go to doctors

and people with letters after their names

we come to people who have been there

we come to each other

and we try

and we don't have to die.

a year (or so) without moments

2011-10-17T09:40:00.000-05:00

I blog about recognizing the moments that present themselves in our lives...to laugh...to love...to cry...to work...to rest...to live. Moments that make a difference in lives; usually my life (because it is my blog after all) :-)  Well, sometimes I blog. Okay, so I blog about moments occasionally... eerrr umm rarely.

My last blog post is dated December 3, 2009.  There is nothing very special about the post. I was blogging for a school assignment and at the time I had been blogging quite regularly. What is significant about the post is a friend's comment a little over a year after the original post.

JWARD said...

A year with no moments... so sad.

Wish you and Wanda the best. You all were a blessing to the Hunter/Garber communities and will be missed. I know you will continue to change the world everywhere you go.

Much love,

Julie

Julie's comment is dated January 16, 2011 and it had been over a year since I had posted anything. January 16, 2011 is also the Sunday that I preached at Carnegie United Methodist Church for the very first time. We had just moved from Hunter, which had been our home for four years. It had been a wonderful four years and Julie's family was a big reason those years had been so wonderful.

We had been dinner guests in her grandmother's home. We played farkle with them. (I don't think they call it farkle, but I can't remember what they call it.) I officiated Julie's wedding and the wedding of one of her brothers. They had been dinner guests in our home. I had the great privilege of baptizing Julie's nephew and her two nieces. Those are moments that I cherish.

This was my response to Julie's comment:

Steve said...

Julie, you are so right, a year with no moments...so sad. The deal is, I know it was a year full of moments. Perhaps I should re-commit myself to this blog. There are too many moments to miss.

Thank you for your kind words. You will also be missed.

Guess what, it has been 10 more months with no posts from me. Another year without any moments? That is sad, isn't it. In those 22 months, even though I didn't record any moments, I pray that I recognized a few.  I know that I probably missed a few as well.   If I somehow overlooked you and your moment, I apologize and I am going to try to do better.

Greed! That's what they call it! It just popped into my head. It's a fun game. We should get together and play it sometime. We should get together and laugh...and love...and cry...and work...and rest...and live. I look forward to those moments.

Until the next moment,

Steve

a moment to freak out

2009-12-03T08:34:00.000-06:00

I believe that I heard our beloved young professor say that we do not have to blog this week. I think I will write something anyway. I feel like I need all the points I can get, so it's better to be safe than sorry.

I arrived on campus about 5:00 yesterday afternoon and went to my room. About 5:15 I took the spiral notebook that contains my PR class notes out of my camputer bag. I opened it to see if there were enough blank pages remaining for note taking and saw, A Case Study: The Tylenol Murders. Oh no! I think I was supposed to read this or something. And it gets better, I was also supposed to have comments on paper. I read the paper as I drove to class. I scribbled some comments on paper after arriving in class and turned that mess in.

It gets even better. Underneath the Tylenol case study sat my syllabus. I glanced at it and saw that the last day of class is December 9th. I thought I had two weeks to study for this test and do my PR project! I only have one!!! Excuse me while I take a moment to freak out.

a christmas moment

2009-11-30T20:15:00.001-06:00

I have gotten to where I have very mixed emotions about Christmas. I love the holiday. I love the time with family and friends. I love the reason we celebrate but, I don't like what the holiday has become. I don't want to buy anything for anyone and I don't want anyone buying anything for me. If I want something or need something badly enough, I go buy it, and most people I know can do the same. But, not everyone has the means to do that.

In my job as pastor I am also part of a local ministerial alliance which is very active and the pastors all work well together. We are able to pool the resources of several local churches in four communities and better help those in our communities who are in need and there are many needs. There is a lot of poverty in rural Oklahoma and the current state of the economy has made things worse for those who already didn't have enough.

For all of 2008 our ministerial alliance gave a little over $2,300 in aid, not counting canned and dry goods. We also passed out Thanksgiving and Christmas food baskets to 30 families. Through the first 10 months of 2009 we have given over $4,500 in aid and will surely go over $5,000. Our Thanksgiving baskets were up to 45 families. Again, this doesn't count canned and dry goods out of the food pantry, which is all donated to the alliance.

In this moment, if we will get out of our comfortable easy chairs and our warm houses and look around a bit we will see that there are many who don't have comfortable easy chairs or warm houses. If you have been blessed then please be a blessing to someone else this Christmas. The needs are great.

a deadline moment

2009-11-24T13:50:00.002-06:00

It seems that there is always a deadline. Right now I have to write a blog post. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy sharing my thoughts with others and reading what others have to say. But, right now it's just another deadline that I have to meet. This one for my PR class. (I really do like this Mandy.)  I had a deadline that I had to meet today for my computer class as well.

I just received an email from my boss (not God, he doesn't email me) about a deadline for some reports that are due. I have a deadline for getting some new tires on the car before we can go home for Thanksgiving. I really want to be deer hunting right now because there is a deadline for that as well, as the season will end soon. Sunday is always coming and a meaningful sermon needs to be prepared before then. The Advent and Christmas seasons are upon us. The end of this semester is near. Deadlines...in this moment - as I look at my day, my week, my month, my life - I see an endless string of deadlines.

I like to know the meanings of words so I keep a dictionary close by. I looked up the word deadline in the dictionary.

     deadline n. 1. a time limit for the completion of an activity, etc.
          2. a line beyond which prisoners are not allowed to go.

Right now, it seems as though I am a prisoner to deadlines with no time to enjoy life because of them. In a way we are all prisoners to time because we only have so much of it. Once time is gone we can never get it back. I recognize in this moment that I need a break. I'm goin huntin.

2009-11-18T13:28:00.001-06:00

This has been a test to see if I can post to my blog from my phone. If this had been an actual blog post it probably still wouldn't make any sense.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone powered by Pioneer Cellular

an i love music moment

2009-11-16T13:13:00.001-06:00

I love music. I love to listen and I love to participate. At my previous church - before I moved full time behind the pulpit - my wife and I were song leaders in the praise and worship band. Singing and leading worship is one of the greatest joys of my life and I miss doing it but, the Lord has me in a different chapter right now, a chapter which also brings me great joy.

I love music and on my twice weekly, 1 1/2 hour drives to OKC, I am currently enjoying listening to the latest releases by Christian artists Todd Agnew (who I love) and The David Crowder Band. When I'm not listening to one of those albums I will be listening to classic rock on Bob FM.  I don't know that I have a favorite style of music (Rock!?) because I can listen to and enjoy many different genres. It has always been like; this is my favorite music right now, but that could change tomorrow. I don't buy much music these days, so my collection is dated, but it contains anything from Carol King to Quiet Riot; from Willie Nelson to Led Zeppliin; from Lynyrd Skynyrd to Christina Aguilera to Run DMC; from album to 8 track; from cassette to CD to ipod.

I love music and I love it when it's live.  Because of my musical tastes, the acts that I have seen live are as varied as the album collection. They include: The Doobie Brothers (my first concert ever, I was 17), Luther Vandross, Ted Nugent, Ronnie Milsap, Van Halen, Mickey Gilley, 38 Special, contemporary Christian artist Aaron Shust w/American Idol finalist Chris Sligh(the last concert I went to about 3 weeks ago)...there's more, it's a crazy list.

I love music and that brings me to the real reason that I am writing about it at this moment. My daughter loves Elton John and I just purchased tickets for her and myself to see Elton and Billy Joel next week.  At this moment the greatest thing for me is seeing Meagan's excitement. Her Facebook status said, "This is the greatest thing in the universe! I actually shed tears. I'm so excited!"  I think - for the moment anyway - that makes me the greatest dad in the universe!

I know these guys are old (a 14 year old in my youth group said, "Who's Billy Joel?" What!!!). Billy Joel is now 60. Elton is 62. But they are both icons who are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and I am just a little excited myself. Elton John's first hit song was in 1970 and Billy Joel's first hit was in 1974. There first hits happen to still be my personal favorites of all their hits. If you choose to click the links, here they are performing those two songs together. Elton John's Your Song. Billy Joel's Piano Man.

I love music.

a moment of hope

2009-11-08T17:35:00.001-06:00

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm reading the little short bio under the "About Me" section of my blog. I'm trying to decide if I want to change it or not because it has said the same thing since I started this blog in July of '08. It begins like this: I Love Wanda : ) We share 5 children (3 married) and 5 grandchildren. Wait a minute...what does that say? Five grandchildren? We have six grandchildren. O MY GOSH, I'VE FORGOTTEN A GRANDCHILD! Wait, maybe there has been one born since I wrote that...no, we don't have any that are less than 16 months old (age of the blog).

Then it hit me. We got a new grandchild during that nine month period of 2009 when I couldn't find any moments worth writing about (see previous blog post). Wanda's son Brian and his wife Debbie live in Salt Lake City, Utah. Our oldest grandson - Blake, age 7 - belongs to them. In 2004 Brian and Debbie began the process to adopt a little girl out of China. It was supposed to take about a year and a half. Her name would be Hope. We couldn't wait to meet her.

Five years later I didn't have any hope for them. I didn't think it was ever going to happen. I thought they had been scammed out of a lot of money and would never have the little girl that they wanted. But, the call finally came and in June of this year they traveled to China to meet Hope and to bring her home. Hope was found abandoned when she was one day old and had lived her entire life in an orphanage. Brian and Debbie were told that she was five, but the folks working with her believe that she is at least six.

This is Hope, grandbaby number six.

Wanda was able to travel to Salt Lake this summer to meet her but my schedule did not allow me to go. I can hardly wait for the moment that I get to meet Hope.

missed moments

2009-11-03T08:57:00.002-06:00

My last blog post is dated February 9, 2009. It has been 9 months since I posted anything and so much has happened in those months.

My oldest daughter was in a relationship that ended and her heart was broken. She moved from Seattle, Washington to Hunter, Oklahoma to live with my wife and I for a while and then that ended abruptly and badly and she left. I love her. I miss her. I have regrets.

My youngest daughter's life has been disrupted as well. In those nine months she has moved from Dallas, Oregon, to Hunter, Oklahoma, to Houston, Texas, back to Hunter, and then to Oklahoma City where she is a 19 year old freshman at OCU. It is a joy and a blessing for me to be able to spend time with her each week.

My wife, Wanda, went back to work for the first time since we moved to Hunter nearly three years ago. She has also "officially" taken the lead in the children's after school programs at both churches. (She was really doing it even when I was around.) She is finally finding her way here. She is busier and she is happier.

As for me, I have made a committment to change some old habits and get healthy. I have lost a little over 100 pounds since May. I am getting some exercise. I am much more active in every area of my life and I feel good again. Thanks to the Oklahoma Conference of the United Methodist Church, I have returned to school to finish my bachelor's degree and I am truly enjoying the experience.

That's just the major things that come to me at this moment. So many major things, yet in nine months I didn't see one moment worth writing about? Hopefully I recognized the important moments at the times they were happening and gave them the attention that they deserved, and hopefully I will recognize at least one moment a week to blog about in the future.

a sunrise moment

2009-02-09T08:22:00.003-06:00

I was so tired when I went to bed last night. There didn't seem to be any part of my body that did not hurt. It had been a very long day. There seemed to be meeting after meeting (or was it just one, long, never ending meeting?) And it didn't make it any better that the very long day had come after one of the longest weeks of my life.

I was awakened sometime during the night or early morning by the wind. It seemed that a storm was blowing in. Sometime later I heard the rain falling. I got up before sunrise and come into the office to read my bible and pray. I feel so much better this morning. I feel refreshed.

In the midst of my very stormy week I had spent good quality time with Jesus (or maybe he had spent some good quality time with me.) In the midst of my very busy Sunday I had felt the Lord's annointing during worship.

A moment ago I noticed that the sun has come up and it is a beautiful day! There will be storms and they may last for days...but the sun will always shine again.

in this moment i pray

2009-01-20T20:12:00.004-06:00

I haven't posted anything since November 4, 2008. That was election day. It was a confusing moment and a confusing day for me. I was proud of us that day for removing another obstacle from the path of equality for all. We still haven't arrived. We still have much work to do. Prejudices of many kinds still exist, but we're making progress. I was also saddened that day, and really throughout the entire campaign process, by many things.

Why does there have to be a right and a left? Because I believe that most people live somewhere in the middle. But we only hear from the right and the left; they seem to shout the loudest. They are the ones who insist that their voices be heard, but I'm not sure either of them speak for me or the majority.

I was saddened back in August at the way 80,000 people worshiped Barack Obama as he accepted the nomination of his party. Today was inauguration day. Our president placed his hand on a bible and was sworn in before God, the nation, and even the world. Again he was worshiped. An estimated 1.4 million people in attendance on the mall in Washington D.C. plus millions (probably billions) more watching on television all over the world!! Those numbers are staggering to me.

I may not have recognized any moments since November 4th but I recongize this moment. I never cared anything before about watching a president get sworn in...but I watched this one. These are disturbing times and millions are counting on him. Millions have put their trust in him. Barack Obama has a crushing load to bear. I pray that he and his people are up to the task. I pray that our country weathers this storm. I pray...I pray...In this moment I pray.

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord, O my soul!
I will praise the Lord as long as I live;
I will sing praises to my God all my life long.
Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortals, in whom there is no help.
When their breath departs, they return to the earth;
on that very day their plans perish.

Happy are those whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord their God,
who made heaven and earth,
the sea, and all that is in them;
who keeps faith forever;
who executes justice for the oppressed;
who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free;
the Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down;
the Lord loves the righteous.
The Lord watches over the strangers;
he upholds the orphan and the widow,
but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

The Lord will reign forever,
your God, O Zion, for all generations.
Praise the Lord!

a confusing moment

2008-11-04T22:25:00.006-06:00

Barak Obama has just been elected the next president of the United States and I am proud and sad at the same time.

I am sad that when I stepped into the voting booth today I still did not know who I was going to vote for. I want to be moved, impressed, and motivated by a candidate. I want to be passionate about the people and things that I support... not confused.

I am proud that the reign of the white man, as president, has ended. I am proud that Martin Luther King's dream has moved one step closer to reality.

Dr. King dreamed that some day little black boys and girls would be able to hold hands with little white boys and girls. Those little boys and girls must be allowed to live before they can hold hands with each other. I am sad that the unborn don't have a voice and I am sad that so many of my christian brothers and sisters think this is the only issue.

I had so much to say when I started this and now there is nothing. I am just sad about the whole thing and I wouldn't feel any different if the other guy had won.

a "you are the man" moment

2008-10-05T20:33:00.005-05:00

"You are the man!" It's like saying "who's your daddy." And who's your daddy in this context is not a question, it's a statement. When your middle linebacker stuffs their tailback at the goal line for no gain you say, "YOU ARE THE MAN!" Or when you make a 25 foot jumper over your best buddy in a friendly game of 21 you say, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY!" If you ask it in the form of a question - Who's your daddy? - the answer from the other person should be, "You are." If you ask - "Who's the man?" - the answer should be, "You are."

It's probably a guy thing, but it's good to be "the man."

Remember David and Nathan? If you don't, you can read about them in 2 Samuel 11-12. King David had slept with another man’s wife and now she was pregnant with the king's child. David had looked around in greed and decided that he could have anything he wanted. He had taken what did not belong to him and had then conspired to commit murder to cover his tracks.

The Lord sent Nathan to visit with David, and Nathan told him a story. He told him a story about a rich man and a poor man. He told him that the rich man had many sheep and cattle and the poor man had only one little ewe lamb that he had raised and it was like a child to him.

The rich man had unexpected company one night and he needed to feed his guest and instead of butchering one of his many…the rich man killed the ewe lamb of the poor man and fed it to his guest. “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, ‘As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this deserves to die!” Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!”

I was setting up my profile on Myspace. I don't usually do those things. I never know what to say. But, I was reading the questions...name...schools...favorite books...movies...tv...who would you like to meet? That one caught my attention for some reason. Who would you like to meet?

I started thinking about that one and couldn't think of one celebrity, or movie star, or athlete, or president. I thought of Jesus. That one seemed very obvious to me. I want to meet Jesus...but then it was like, "You know, I've met him. I'm walking with him and some day I believe I will see him. So I started thinking of other biblical names; Moses, Peter, Paul...Pilate.

Pilate, I want to meet him. I want to ask him some questions. What was it like to give up an innocent man to a murderous mob? Were you ever able to wash the blood off your hands?

Then I thought of a nameless man. The man who drove the nails. I want to meet the man who drove the nails. I want to ask him some queestions. I want to ask how it felt. I want to know if it was hard to do, or easy. I want to know if he laughed when he did it…and if he cried later.

I want to meet the man who drove the nails… then this thought…It was me. I am the man.

YOU ARE THE MAN! Doesn't sound so good any more.

an obedient (or disobedient) son moment

2008-09-28T15:59:00.004-05:00

Jesus said, "What do you think? A man had two sons; he went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work in the vinyard today.' He answered, 'I will not'; but later he changed his mind and went. The father went to the second and said the same; and he answered , 'I go, sir'; but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of the father?"

I still have one teenager and I was talking to someone the other day about our children; our teenagers. We were both commenting, and thanking God, that there seemed to be certain things with our kids that we didn’t, or don’t, really worry about; mainly drugs and alcohol. We commented that our children never seemed to be interested in those things. There were other things that we might have worried about or been concerned about, but there never seemed to be that party influence in their lives...unlike the two of us.

I really wasn’t a bad kid. I was actually a good kid I think. If you were to ask my parents I think they would tell you that I was a pretty good kid, not a big challenge...that I was the easy one of their three children. My brother and sister like to call me "the favorite child." But, I’ve been a disobedient son.

I’m kind of an open book about things. I don’t mind telling of my mistakes if my mistakes can witness to the glory of God. That is something that we are all called to do – to witness to how God has worked in our lives – from the little things to the big things. But, we have to remember that only God is good. When we use Christ as our measuring stick, we all fall far short of goodness.

By the world's standards though, I was a "good" boy. I accepted Christ as my savior. I was confirmed and baptized and went to church and my 18 year old brother took me to drink my first beer in my first bar when I was 15. I was kicked out of my first bar for being under age when I was 16. Now I will say that the legal age for such things at the time was 18 not 21. But wrong is wrong and I did some wrong that I am not proud of. I only tell things like that to boast in God and his grace; to boast in Jesus and his blood…not to brag or anything like that, but to remind us all of the influence of the world on us and our children.

I couldn’t tell you where I was supposed to be when I was in those places…I don’t remember where I was suppose to be… but I guarantee you I was suppose to be somewhere else…I guarantee you I had told my parents a different story. I wonder how many times I told my dad or my mom one thing and did something else. Think about it… or maybe you’ve never done that.

That’s what happened in this parable. Jesus said, “What do you think? A man had two sons; he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ He answered, ‘I will not’; but later he changed his mind and went. The father went to the second and said the same; and he answered, ‘I go, sir’; but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of the father?”

The first son was rebellious…he was inconsiderate… he was rude… he looked to be lazy… he was disrespectful. It had to have hurt the father’s heart for his son to treat him the way he did. To just flat out refuse to help, to refuse to do what he had been told to do. I’m sure the father walked away sad, wondering where he had gone wrong with this one…this obnoxious one that tests his patience. He might have said to himself, “He’s just like his mother.” (He probably didn't say it loud enough for his wife to hear though.)

The second son was considerate…he was respectful…he was a hard worker…he said, “I go, sir.” Just like that, yes sir. This made the father happy…a chip off the old block this one… and he did say that out loud for anyone to hear. He’s just like his old man!

But then what happened? The one who said he would… didn’t. The one who said he would not…did.

I watched my older brother battle with our parents. Why can’t I do this or that? That’s not fair. Why can’t I go there? Why don’t you trust me? Why can't I do the things that my friends can do? Why… why…why…why…why? But after the battle, when all was said and done, he pretty much obeyed them.

I was my parent’s second son. I said yes ma’am…yes sir…of course I will…yes,I understand…and then I went and did whatever I wanted to do…what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Which one was doing the will of the father?

Jesus told the leaders in the temple, you are the second son. You said you would but you don’t. You say you will but you prostitute the church. You’re sell outs. My father trusts you with the kingdom...you said you would love and serve others…you said you would witness to his mercy and grace…you promised to work in the vineyards…but you are not. John showed you the way to righteousness but you wouldn’t believe him…because it meant that you would have to admit that you didn’t have all the answers.

But the tax collectors and prostitutes… the ones you reject…the ones who rejected a relationship with the father…the ones who said, “no that’s not for me.” They heard John’s message of repentance and they have turned from their wicked ways……… and they are doing the things that you are supposed to be doing.

In Jesus’ story I was the tax collector and the prostitute. I remember the day that my life seemed meaningless. Even though I was basically a “good” person, I remember the day that I looked back at all of the things that I had done, to myself and to others, and saw what a wretch I was, what a sinner I was, what a failure I’d been... when I saw that I was not “good.”

What a wonderful day that was! What a joyful day that was! When I realized there was a better way, when I realized that I could repent and be forgiven. It was exciting and it felt good… and I was on fire… and I had a job to do and that job was to shout it to the mountain tops and to the ends of the earth that Jesus Christ is King… and I wanted everyone to have what I had…and I was passionate about it.

Do you remember that moment when you were set free? Do you remember the passion that you had in that moment for Christ? Or maybe it hasn’t been like that for you. Maybe you’ve always done what you were supposed to do.

I read this week of an old Japanese legend that tells of a man who died and went to heaven. Heaven was wonderful; it was everything he had ever imagined and so much more. But then the man came to a room lined with shelves. On the shelves were stacked piles of human ears! When he asked what this place was, his heavenly guide explained that these ears belonged to all the people on earth who listened each week to the word of God, but never acted on God's teachings. Their worship never resulted in action. Therefore, when these people died only their ears ended up in heaven.

I’ve really been both boys. I’ve been the prostitute and the Sadducee. I can go from prostitute to religious leader and back again...in a matter of moments. I can have a passion for Christ and the word and say yes I will do anything and go anywhere… and then not. Are we the church who says I will go…and then doesn’t? Are we just hearers of the word and not doers of the word? Are we doing what our Father asked us to do or just saying that we will?

My prayer for us is that we would have the passion of the newly converted…that we would have the passion of the tax collectors and prostitutes and heathens who know they are sinners and know they are dirty and know they need Jesus…those who repent and go into the vineyards.

a raindrop moment

2008-09-19T09:12:00.002-05:00

I found the following at esermons.com and had to post it. I too searched for an author and could not find anything. In this moment all I can think about is possibilites and choices. Lord, how can I be - for your kingdom - just a raindrop.

Here is a Poem which I heard on Paul Harvey after Katrina. I have no idea who the author is but it makes a great illustration for the importance of every individual to do good or evil (as is the case with the poem.). It fits in well with this week's text (Matthew 21:23-32) and the importance of just one person's obedience. The line breaks are all mine and is an attempt to duplicate Paul Harvey's cadence.

I am Just A Raindrop

I am just a raindrop
I was born in the sky and settled into a hillside
there to dance in the sun and sparkle
And nourish green and growing things

But there are other raindrops on the hillside
and they invite me to join them for a downhill romp,
and we become a chain of raindrops.
Thus able to travel faster and what do you know
soon others join us until we become a stream
now remember I'm still just a drop of rain.
And yet the other drops say
I'm important to them and they are important to me
and together we hasten downward toward the beautiful forest.

The grass bends in our path
the soil beneath us begins to crumble
until my companions and I are carving out a pathway
farther and deeper
until we are tearing little gullies in the earth
and then big gullies.
I'm just a little drop of rain
its my friends who have the power
I'm just along for the ride

Ahead a towering tree
stands majestically at the edge of the forest.
And soon my friends and I
are playfully ripping the soil from the roots
and its roots from the rocks
and low and behold the great tree comes crashing down in front of me.

For a long moment the tree lies motionless:
Facedown, defeated, dying.

But then my friends and I are under, and lifting, and moving the great tree
carrying it before us as a huge battering ram.
Nothing can stop us now.
I wonder if I can stop my self now, or, if I even want to.
Into the forest we plunge my friends and I
and our battering ram tree.

Other trees grouped together stand their ground,
from us they can see there is strength in numbers.
And our numbers are greater.

Our battering ram is sideways now.
We raindrops get behind;
we push with all of our might.
My friends and I are learning the strength and the weaknesses of tress.
Erode the soil, denude the roots, and you leave them with nothing to hold to.

So, soon, we are a raging torrent.
And they and we and the turncoat tree are thundering toward the sea.
And I am freighted.
I'm just a little raindrop,
but I'm soiled now.

How did I become a part of this?
I never wanted to conquer, nor to destroy
I only needed to be needed.
I only needed to be one of the crowd.

Down there ahead, at the end of the valley
Dear God that's a town!
I will not be a part of this any longer.
Now my friends have gone too far.
Far too far.
I'm stopping right here right now.
But I can't. I can't stop.

I am no longer me.
I am something different then I ever meant to be.
It took a thousand million gallons of water they say
to drown that town that day.

So don't blame me.
I'm only one little drop of rain.

a "follow me" moment

2008-08-31T22:20:00.007-05:00

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it." (Matt. 16:24-25)

Many of us are much more committed to following things other than Jesus. School is back in session and parents are following their children from activity to activity to activity to activity to activity, to...well you get the point. Lately we have followed the Olympics and millions of us are following the presidential race very closely. Football season is starting, baseball season is moving quickly toward the playoffs and we’re following our favorite teams. Some of us are just blindly following the crowd.

I watched the Olympics and celebrated the victories every night. From beginning to end I was mesmerized and impressed by the incredible, wonderful spectacle and performances. Did you see those opening ceremonies? I have never seen anything like it in my life. I was truly in awe of everything from the technology to the choreography to the sheer mass of humanity that it took to pull it off...and at the same time saddened and appalled by the incredible expenditure of financial and human resources. I couldn't help but wonder...with those resources: How many hungry could have been fed? How many thirsty could have been given water? How many lost could have been found? How many educations could have been funded?

This past week I watched the Democratic National Convention and became part of the largest audience in history to ever witness an acceptance speech. There was a moment after Obama's speech; 80,000 people stood (millions more joined them by TV) and they worshiped him. I will watch the Republican National Convention and witness many of the same things. I will see men and women who love their country, are devoted to their country, and would probably die for their country. I will see banners waved…flags flown…songs sung…confetti dropped…allegiances sworn.

And I will be asking myself, at the end, the same questions. When will we swear our allegiance to Christ like that? Will we ever, in mass, celebrate Jesus like that? When will we follow Christ in that way? When will the church become one and pour itself into doing what the Olympics and the politicians will never be able to do - as hard as they try - because it’s our job to change the world, we have been given that mission!

We Christians want salvation without sacrifice. We want to wear the cross on a chain around our neck or look at it hanging on the wall. But, we don't want to feel the weight of it on our backs as it digs into our shredded flesh and, as a result, our Christianity becomes weak and pathetic.

Deny self? Take up my cross? Lose my life in order to find my life? Hmmm......do we have any idea what any of that even means?

anniversary moment

2008-08-25T18:30:00.003-05:00

Wanda and I have enjoyed watching the Olympics together over the last two weeks. We have cheered for our favorites, celebrated their victories, and been bummed out over their losses. There were times when we threw up our hands in disgust over the poor efforts of those who were "supposed to win" and didn't (okay, that was just me doing that). We have also celebrated the efforts of those who came to compete; those who sacrificed and gave it their all knowing they had no shot at the medal podium.

I think the most exciting thing for me was to see a world record fall, no matter the winner. It was best when it was a record that had stood for 15 or 20 years. You knew that it took a special athlete and a special performance to better a standard that had stood the test of time and had beaten all challengers...until now.

Tomorrow - August 26, 2008 - is the 8th anniversary of my marriage to my sweet little girl, Wanda. I know, I know, that's far from a world record but it's a new record for me! It's my all time personal best! Two other marriages (that produced the three best children ever) that couldn't go the distance. I can blame no one except myself and my previous spouses.

Eight wonderful years and I can thank and praise no one except Jesus. Thank you Jesus for sending me Wanda. Thank you Wanda for loving Jesus first and me second.

Jesus gets the gold...Wanda the silver...I don't care if I make the podium, I just want to give you both my best for another year.

a word moment

2008-08-18T15:31:00.012-05:00

I found this painting at draw near to god dot com. (Go to the HeARTS Gallery) It is by a wonderful prophetic worship artist by the name of Gwen Meharg. I believe that she paints on the canvas, during worship, what she sees and feels the Holy Spirit showing her through the proclamation of the word or the reading of the scriptures. On her website you can find many many wonderful works of art and the artists own explanation of the art and the vision that she had when she created it.

The text last week was Jesus and Peter walking on the water and I discovered this website while looking for a picture for last week’s bulletin cover. Monday morning I was showing Wanda my discovery and we spent some time looking at all of the prophetic paintings and reading the artist’s descriptions of them and the scripture or message that inspired them.

After looking at those paintings of visions and so forth I turned to the lectionary readings for the day and as I often do began to read them out loud to Wanda. I soon came to these words, “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this is what defiles. For out of the heart come evil intentions, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person...” (Matt. 15:18-20 NRSV)

After reading those words I turned to Wanda and said, “You won’t believe what I just saw.” She said, “Me too.” “I wish I could paint it,” I said. She asked, “Arrows?” I said, “Knives and daggers” We both said, “Yes.”

What we both saw in our mind's eye were word daggers; words coming from the mouth of an individual and piercing the hearts of everyone who was standing near them. In that moment our hearts were broken at the thought of what we do to one another – or have the potential to do to one another – every time we open our mouths.

Remember this playground rhyme? “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!” How about this one, do you remember it? “I’m rubber. You’re glue. Whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you!” Have you found either of those statements to be true in your life? I haven’t. Words can hurt me.

It’s back to school time. There is sometimes no crueler place in the world than our schools and playgrounds. Think back if you can – or if you want to – to your childhood. For some of you that time is now. Remember growing up and you’ll remember, words did hurt and still do.

We've all heard this saying, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” A sword in the hands of someone who means harm can do much damage, words are no different, words can kill. Take the word sword itself. Move the letter “s” from the beginning of sword to the end and what do you have…words.

A person who is skilled with words and is passionate about a subject can tell you a story and make you feel as if you are there. They could describe to you the sound of horses hooves galloping across an open meadow in a way that you can hear them too. They can tell you about the sound and taste of water from a cold mountain stream in a way that you feel as if you took a drink from it.

We share with each other about life's journey, our joys and sorrows, so that we can relate to one another. What I say affects how you feel. What you say affects how I feel. And just as words can take us around the world to experience magnificent mountain tops and river valleys, words can also bring us extreme pain.

Words that cause pain are called what? A"knife through the heart.” Some words make us feel as if we have been "kicked in the gut." A word of kindness or praise is a "ray of sunshine." If you talk trash about my Dallas Cowboys or my mama, "Them's Fightin' Words."

Ivan Pavlov was a Nobel Prize winning physiologist, psychologist, and physician. Pavlov said, "Man is more influenced by language than by the facts of surrounding reality."

In other words we can look at the facts of a situation and see with our own eyes; I am not lazy, I am not stupid, I am not unattractive, I am not whatever negative thing someone might say about me - but we will be influenced more by what someone says is the truth rather than what we can see is the truth with our own eyes.

Napolean said, "We govern men with words." Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote, "Words — so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!"

Jesus said, “…it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but it is what comes out of the mouth that defiles.”

It's back to school time in my small communities. In many ways our schools have turned into battle grounds. We want to think that our small schools are immune to some of the problems of the larger communities and maybe they are...I have my doubts. I know they are not immune to many of them. They are not immune to hatred, teasing, bigotry, racism, sexism and many other abuses that are expressed in the form of hurtful words.

Words can cause us to roar with laughter, break down into tears, fly into a rage, sink into depression, or float on cloud nine. Pretty strong stuff.

Do words do more than just describe situations and events? Do words actually have an affect on our future? Is it possible that what I am today is the result of the words I or others have used in the past? Or could it be that what I will become and experience tomorrow, depends on the words I use today.

Paul said to the Corinthians, “When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.”

To the Romans he said, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.”

Luke said, “Bless those who curse you.”

We can speak curses into our own lives and the lives of those around us OR we can speak blessings into our lives and the lives of those around us.

The author of James has this to say about our tongues: "With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so." (James 3:9-10 NRSV)

Jesus said, "I tell you, on the day of judgement you will have to give an account for every careless word you utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Matthew 12:34b-37 NRSV)

Words; more than just entries in a dictionary – there is life in them and there is death in them.

Sticks and stones may break my bones – but they will heal – words can curse me or bless me forever.

"the one" moment

2008-08-07T00:19:00.010-05:00

I have been kicking these thoughts around in my head for a couple of days and finally decided to sit down and type. I think too long sometimes instead of just acting. How can I blog about moments if my moments turn into...well, many moments. But, I guess that's what life is, just a bunch of moments strung together.

I watched a clip on my son Weston's blog. To see it go here: http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/kevin_kelly_on_the_next_5_000_days_of_the_web.html.

What Mr. Kelly is telling us in this video it that the web as we know it did not exist 5,000 days ago and he talks about what to expect the web to become in the next 5,000 days. At about the 16:30 point of the video he compares the technology of "the machine" or "the one" (the web) to the technology of the alphabet and writing. He says, "We are totally dependant on the alphabet and writing, it has transformed culture. We can't imagine ourselves without the technology of the alphabet and writing." He then says that is the way we will be with "the one" (the web) in the next 5,000 days; we won't be able to function without it. It will change the world the way the alphabet and writing has changed the world.

That's quite a statement. Where would we be without language? How much has the ability to communicate with each other changed the world? To say that "the one" will be to us what the alphabet and writing has been to us is a tremendous statement.

The things that he said that really caught my attention were ...we are totally dependant on it...it has transformed culture...we can't imagine ourselves without it.

My question to those who belong to Jesus and seek to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ is; how are we going to use "the one" to do what we have been called to do? How are we going to use this world changing technology to point to "THE ONE?" Not to just point to Jesus but to get to the point that...we are totally dependant on HIM...HE has transformed culture...and we can't imagine ourselves without HIM.

My daughter-in-law, Francey, said in her blog, "I imagine my children being older and getting a grasp on the grace of our sovereign God and saying, 'I can't live without Him.'"

In 5,000 days Hannah and Corban will be 16 and 15 years old respectively.

When that time comes, who or what will we be totally dependant on? Who or what will have transformed our culture? Who or what will we not be able to live without? I pray it is "THE ONE" not "the one."

a friend moment

2008-08-02T08:55:00.004-05:00

I had the opportunity yesterday to work on a project with a colleague. I had been around this person a few times before and most of the time I came away from those encounters thinking that this person didn't like me. I didn't know why. I had searched my brain and couldn't come up with anything that I might have said or done to offend. In the past, my efforts toward friendship seemed to be in vain. Yesterday began no differently. Try as I might to be cordial; I sensed coldness in return.

The activity that we were involved in required us, at one point, to drive from one venue to another in separate vehicles. As I drove, I prayed. I began with, "I don't want to be around this person ever again. Can you make that happen God?" But soon I was saying, "I don't mean that. Whatever the barrier between us, can you remove it?"

Who knows, maybe the same prayer was being said in the other car...about me. Maybe I was the problem. Maybe I'm not as wonderful as I think! I don't know who changed or what changed, but what I found on the other end of that five minute drive was a friend. Prayer changes things.

moments to ponder

2008-07-30T01:27:00.012-05:00

I lifted this from a friends blog. Thanks Sonja. It's a game that makes you think...about precious moments...happy moments...sad moments. Take a moment to reflect and fill in the blanks. It's simple. Replace my answers with your own.

I THINK -- too long, and then I'm indecisive.
I KNOW--I am a sinner saved by grace.
I HAVE-- wonderful friends and family.
I WISH-- my kids lived closer to me.
I HATE-- running out of milk, coffee, and Dr. Pepper.
I MISS-- see "I WISH" above.
I FEAR-- God and God alone.
I FEEL-- overwhelmed sometimes.
I HEAR-- a song playing in the other room. (Holy, Holy is the Lord of all the earth)
I SMELL-- soup.
I CRAVE-- chocolate.
I SEARCH-- among the clutter on my desk.
I WONDER-- why people don't fall in love with Jesus.
I REGRET-- the times that I felt the Holy Spirit's urging and didn't respond.
I LOVE-- deeply.
I ACHE-- for the church that does nothing.
I AM NOT-- a multi-tasker.
I BELIEVE-- , help me with my unbelief.
I DANCE-- more slowly these days.
I SING-- whatever I hear.
I CRY-- at the drop of a hat.
I DON'T ALWAYS-- get out of the house as much as I should.
I FIGHT-- sleep. I'm a night owl.
I WRITE-- with my heart.
I WIN-- some, lose some.
I NEVER-- have jumped out of an airplane.
I ALWAYS-- brush my teeth as soon as I get up in the morning.
I LISTEN-- to the music that is all around us. Shhh...can you hear it?
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND-- at the computer.
I AM SCARED-- of wrong teaching...of teaching wrong.
I NEED-- to be held in the arms of Jesus...and Wanda.
I AM HAPPY ABOUT-- God's call on my life.
I IMAGINE-- when all I will do... is forever worship You!

A Wedding Moment

2008-07-29T16:40:00.000-05:00

I officiated a wedding Saturday night. The bride, groom, and congregation were not my usual "church" crowd. Given my personal experience with marriage, divorce, and the subsequent pain; as a pastor, I take very seriously the marriage covenant and my participation in it. I swore to myself when I became a pastor I would never marry someone if I doubted their commitment to each other, and even more importantly, their commitment to God.

In my pre-marriage visits with the couple I pointed them to Jesus...but I found myself doubting whether or not I should be performing this ceremony. We had a Christian service, and throughout I pointed all who would listen to Jesus. Afterwards, considering some of the things I heard and witnessed at the reception, I still had some concerns. (Things like a life size,blow up sex doll strapped to the front of the couples exit vehicle and the suspicion of alcohol somewhere in our midst.) I left there asking myself - or God- "What have I done?" I was seriously re-thinking future weddings.

And then they stiffed me! No one offered to pay me! Now, I have to say that several weeks prior to the wedding the mother of the groom had asked, "How much?" My reply: "There is no charge for my services. If you choose to bless me with a gift it will be greatly appreciated but, I have no fee." I tell them all that and I do feel that the wedding and all of the effort leading up to the wedding is a pastoral duty. But they always pay anyway!

I left there with questions, feeling bad about the way I felt, and asking God's forgiveness for the way I was feeling.

The text for Sunday worship was Romans 8:26-39. The focus of the message was verse 28, which says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I talked about difficult times, painful times, and how it is hard to see God in the midst of those times. But God is at work in all times and one of the ways he is working is through his church, those called according to his purpose.

After worship a lady in my congregation came and put something in my shirt pocket and said, "I have to do this; it's not much, but I have to do it." Without looking, I knew that it was $100 and I knew that God was speaking to me. We don't know how God works, but God works. God called me to this. God called me to pastor the people and tell them about Jesus, even those - especially those - who never hear about him.

I felt God telling me, "If you refuse to marry them, who will end up doing it? If you turn them away and don't tell them about Jesus, who will tell them? You won't always like what you see but you are called according to my purpose"...and then God paid me.

One of those moments... that I recognized God.

moments

2008-07-29T14:17:00.000-05:00

Monday, July 14, 2008
As we talked in class about pastoral care and all of the dos and don’ts and rights and wrongs I couldn’t help but think of the previous paragraph. Recognizing the moment; I have been thinking a lot about it since I wrote it. I have been trying to figure out why I would wake up with those words in my head. I have been looking at experiences with those words in my head. What does God have for me in this situation? What does God want me to learn from this? What is it about this moment that I need to pay special attention to? Giving each moment the attention that it deserves would be very important in pastoral care and spiritual guidance. Those moments in people’s lives when they turn to their pastor for wisdom, prayer, advice, etc. are critical moments and we have to be very aware of that. But, aside from the pastoral care aspect, I should look at every moment as a moment that I can experience God…or love…or friendship…or pain…or separation and give that moment the attention it deserves.